1. a tree
2. a fountain
Monday, May 24, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
would you rather?
would you rather (a) have a tendency to speak in 1920s slang when tired or angry, or (b) be restricted to sex in the city themed parties for the rest of your life?
"Beat it, kid. I don't have time to beat my gums here all night. I need a snoozer, see."
"Hayley must be tired."
"Beat it, kid. I don't have time to beat my gums here all night. I need a snoozer, see."
"Hayley must be tired."
owls - nature's loner
1. owls are loners. they don't hang out with other owls or other birds. this makes me like owls a whole lot.
2. a collective of owls (a rare occurence - see #1) is called a parliament.
3. owls are divided into two categories - "typical" and "barn". i'm thinking that this could be an equally effective classification system for humans. "he's nothin' but a barn."
4. british owls eat pigeons.
5. after owls eat, their stomachs make "pellets" out of all indigestable materials contained in the prey they've eaten e.g. bones, feathers, etc.
"when an owl is about to produce a pellet, it will take on a pained expression - the eyes are closed, the facial disc narrow, and the bird will be reluctant to fly. At the moment of expulsion, the neck is stretched up and forward, the beak is opened, and the pellet simply drops out without any retching or spitting movements." - theowlpages.com
For an excellent video of an owl making a pellet, follow this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waLiTmLr1nM
you're welcome.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
would you rather?
would you rather (a) live in central california or (b) have a wolf face*
*wolf face - you have a face which only faintly resembles a wolf. not so much as to allow people to assume you have some sort of congenital disorder, but enough so that whenever you play the "what kind of animal would i be" game with people they answer "wolf" really, really quickly.
match.com-edy (zing!)
recently, i joined match.com. i thought it would be easy. all i had to do was (a)make a witty profile and (b) throw up a few photographs depicting myself climbing rocks or doing an open-mouth laugh; in short - try to appear well-adjusted. the goal? mask the real reason why i joined a dating site in the first place: i am a complete fucking retard when it comes to dating. (the last time someone asked me on a date i shook their hand.) however, after joining, i was unaware of the nightmare that would ensue. the awkward email conversations with guys about an aspect of my profile that had given them a loner (lonely + boner = loner), the incessant "winks" by divorcees who live in richmond, and profile after profile of cliches and trite self-analyses which are never (ever) even close to being true.
i have to say, though, that in the end, there are a few things i have learned via my match adventures. having read countless profiles and by mapping the similarities among them, there are a few basic conclusions i have been able to draw about (or which pertain to) all of humanity. enjoy.
1. everyone in the world is spontaneous.
2. people who say they have a sense of humor outright have no sense of humor.
3. anyone who says he or she has a dry wit neither has a dry wit nor knows what a dry wit is.
4. cafes are a favorite pasttime of every human that exists.
5. people who point at the camera when being photographed are sociopaths.
6. everyone has either been to india or is indian.
7. if you don't like to travel, you should just kill yourself.
8. if you say you're a social drinker it means you're: (a) social (b) a drinker, and (c) currently very, very drunk
9. those who describe themselves as "paradoxical"... sigh.
10. everyone just wants to be loved. (awww.) i feel like the tinman when he finally gets his joint oil.
i guess the lion getting his heart would be more apt. meh
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Hills: Season 6, Episode 3
by: hayley deherrera
in the most current episode, the action begins when we are met with kristin and brody sauntering down the beach on another beautiful los angeles day. if you listen very closely, you can hear the quiet absence of souls. they discuss important issues and comment on the extent to which the surfers in the crashing waves before them are competent. the exchange between them seems easy and unhurried. it is clear: these two bring a sense of comfort to one another. they are so comfortable, in fact, that they both fall asleep on the beach and shortly thereafter, are unknowingly swept off to sea, and subsequently, eaten by sharks. not before long, however, this incident is quickly overshadowed by the maniacal state to which spencer has succumb. in recent weeks, and particularly in this episode, he seems to be, at any moment, about to explode in an apoplectic fit of rage. it all begins when spencer calls heidi's mom a "vagina" at a birthday thrown by heidi for eight year-old friend, enzo. (enzo is a small, unmistakably scary child, who seems never to talk but only grins and points. he also seems to have no parents nor a home. as he floats across the screen atop a rented elephant, one wishes that he could speak, just once, to tell us his story: his struggles, his valor, his triumphs.) heidi's visiting sister, hollie, who when met with this unmannerly comment about her mother, asks spencer to kindly refrain from doing so again. to this, spencer responds that if she is to defend her mother more, it must be somewhere other than on his property, and that if she wishes to further defend her while there, she would be escorted off the premises. later, when heidi's sister addresses the incident, spencer reminds her that she is a mere "poser" and that no one in hollywood "wants her". then, he walks outside to cool off. heidi looks at her sister, her countenace quietly expressing shame, and even more, defeat. nothing is said. they seem to be able to communicate with their eyes. heidi's say, "this is eyeliner." hollie's say, "i am here right now." meanwhile, spencer, who is pacing across the backyard like a fierce and sharply-dressed beast, appears to be emitting some kind of thick, black steam when exhaling. Just when it looks as though he is near a breaking point, the earth begins to shake violently beneath his gucci loafers. spencer tries to call the ground a whore - to no avail. just then, the ever-growing rumbling noise wakes heidi and hollie from their staring contest. just as they jump up to see what is happening (then they fall) the earth rips open with the force of one thousand range rovers. spencer calls his press agent to see what he should do. "you worthless cunt! i'll eat your mother and your babies, and then I'll floss my teeth with your remaining babies!" screams spencer into the receiver. but the gaping crevice grows faster and faster. it is too late. gravity finally pulls on young spencer, and the earth (re)claims him into the deep, dark underworld. it is there, where spencer remains today. legend has it that if you press your ear to the earth, you can still hear him, pacing and pulsing, growling and groaning, cursing the day that all other people besides he, were born. as for hollie and heidi, they fell asleep on the beach, and then, they too, were eaten by sharks.
in the most current episode, the action begins when we are met with kristin and brody sauntering down the beach on another beautiful los angeles day. if you listen very closely, you can hear the quiet absence of souls. they discuss important issues and comment on the extent to which the surfers in the crashing waves before them are competent. the exchange between them seems easy and unhurried. it is clear: these two bring a sense of comfort to one another. they are so comfortable, in fact, that they both fall asleep on the beach and shortly thereafter, are unknowingly swept off to sea, and subsequently, eaten by sharks. not before long, however, this incident is quickly overshadowed by the maniacal state to which spencer has succumb. in recent weeks, and particularly in this episode, he seems to be, at any moment, about to explode in an apoplectic fit of rage. it all begins when spencer calls heidi's mom a "vagina" at a birthday thrown by heidi for eight year-old friend, enzo. (enzo is a small, unmistakably scary child, who seems never to talk but only grins and points. he also seems to have no parents nor a home. as he floats across the screen atop a rented elephant, one wishes that he could speak, just once, to tell us his story: his struggles, his valor, his triumphs.) heidi's visiting sister, hollie, who when met with this unmannerly comment about her mother, asks spencer to kindly refrain from doing so again. to this, spencer responds that if she is to defend her mother more, it must be somewhere other than on his property, and that if she wishes to further defend her while there, she would be escorted off the premises. later, when heidi's sister addresses the incident, spencer reminds her that she is a mere "poser" and that no one in hollywood "wants her". then, he walks outside to cool off. heidi looks at her sister, her countenace quietly expressing shame, and even more, defeat. nothing is said. they seem to be able to communicate with their eyes. heidi's say, "this is eyeliner." hollie's say, "i am here right now." meanwhile, spencer, who is pacing across the backyard like a fierce and sharply-dressed beast, appears to be emitting some kind of thick, black steam when exhaling. Just when it looks as though he is near a breaking point, the earth begins to shake violently beneath his gucci loafers. spencer tries to call the ground a whore - to no avail. just then, the ever-growing rumbling noise wakes heidi and hollie from their staring contest. just as they jump up to see what is happening (then they fall) the earth rips open with the force of one thousand range rovers. spencer calls his press agent to see what he should do. "you worthless cunt! i'll eat your mother and your babies, and then I'll floss my teeth with your remaining babies!" screams spencer into the receiver. but the gaping crevice grows faster and faster. it is too late. gravity finally pulls on young spencer, and the earth (re)claims him into the deep, dark underworld. it is there, where spencer remains today. legend has it that if you press your ear to the earth, you can still hear him, pacing and pulsing, growling and groaning, cursing the day that all other people besides he, were born. as for hollie and heidi, they fell asleep on the beach, and then, they too, were eaten by sharks.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
television shows
8. sixteen and pregnant - i love tyler and caitlin
7. intervention - makes me feel better about the general trajectory of my life.
6. sober house - dr. drew is hawt; heidi fleiss is my hero; every time mike introduces himself to someone he references alice in chains
5. millionaire matchmaker - idk
4. real housewives of new york - more proof that we are in a golden age of television
3. the city - look out for cameos by punk-rock high-fashion publicist kelly catrone and her ball busting team of dreamy-eyed, sherbert-colored dress wearing assistants.
2. tough love - so you're not very well adjusted...
1. the hills - there are literally no words to express my love for this program
7. intervention - makes me feel better about the general trajectory of my life.
6. sober house - dr. drew is hawt; heidi fleiss is my hero; every time mike introduces himself to someone he references alice in chains
5. millionaire matchmaker - idk
4. real housewives of new york - more proof that we are in a golden age of television
3. the city - look out for cameos by punk-rock high-fashion publicist kelly catrone and her ball busting team of dreamy-eyed, sherbert-colored dress wearing assistants.
2. tough love - so you're not very well adjusted...
1. the hills - there are literally no words to express my love for this program
a list of things that scare me
10. marie osmond
9. real estate agents
8. people who jog
7. heavy metal
6. men wearing flip flops at bars
5. hospital drama television shows
4. people who make homemade candles or soap
3. exercising, or more broadly, physical fitness
2. people who read the secret or talk about the secret
1. children
9. real estate agents
8. people who jog
7. heavy metal
6. men wearing flip flops at bars
5. hospital drama television shows
4. people who make homemade candles or soap
3. exercising, or more broadly, physical fitness
2. people who read the secret or talk about the secret
1. children
would you rather?
would you rather (a) live in a tree ("you know that girl. she's the one who lives in the tree. no, she's really nice.") or (b) have to incorporate trees into every conversation you have ("we should hang out sometime. under a birch tree.")
pet names
here is a list of different animals i'd like to have as pets. additionally, i've listed what I would name them.
dog - "bob"
cat - "leonard"
snake - "snake"
bird - "david fynch"
mastodon - "nose penis"
dog - "bob"
cat - "leonard"
snake - "snake"
bird - "david fynch"
mastodon - "nose penis"
welcome
welcome to my blog. i decided to write this blog for completely selfish reasons. i am using it to entertain myself. on it, you'll find analyses of some of my favorite television programs, lists of things I want for Christmas, lists of things which i find annoying, and maybe some comics. enjoy.
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