The Hills: Season 6, Episode 3

by: hayley deherrera
in the most current episode, the action begins when we are met with kristin and brody sauntering down the beach on another beautiful los angeles day. if you listen very closely, you can hear the quiet absence of souls. they discuss important issues and comment on the extent to which the surfers in the crashing waves before them are competent. the exchange between them seems easy and unhurried. it is clear: these two bring a sense of comfort to one another. they are so comfortable, in fact, that they both fall asleep on the beach and shortly thereafter, are unknowingly swept off to sea, and subsequently, eaten by sharks. not before long, however, this incident is quickly overshadowed by the maniacal state to which spencer has succumb. in recent weeks, and particularly in this episode, he seems to be, at any moment, about to explode in an apoplectic fit of rage. it all begins when spencer calls heidi's mom a "vagina" at a birthday thrown by heidi for eight year-old friend, enzo. (enzo is a small, unmistakably scary child, who seems never to talk but only grins and points. he also seems to have no parents nor a home. as he floats across the screen atop a rented elephant, one wishes that he could speak, just once, to tell us his story: his struggles, his valor, his triumphs.) heidi's visiting sister, hollie, who when met with this unmannerly comment about her mother, asks spencer to kindly refrain from doing so again. to this, spencer responds that if she is to defend her mother more, it must be somewhere other than on his property, and that if she wishes to further defend her while there, she would be escorted off the premises. later, when heidi's sister addresses the incident, spencer reminds her that she is a mere "poser" and that no one in hollywood "wants her". then, he walks outside to cool off. heidi looks at her sister, her countenace quietly expressing shame, and even more, defeat. nothing is said. they seem to be able to communicate with their eyes. heidi's say, "this is eyeliner." hollie's say, "i am here right now." meanwhile, spencer, who is pacing across the backyard like a fierce and sharply-dressed beast, appears to be emitting some kind of thick, black steam when exhaling. Just when it looks as though he is near a breaking point, the earth begins to shake violently beneath his gucci loafers. spencer tries to call the ground a whore - to no avail. just then, the ever-growing rumbling noise wakes heidi and hollie from their staring contest. just as they jump up to see what is happening (then they fall) the earth rips open with the force of one thousand range rovers. spencer calls his press agent to see what he should do. "you worthless cunt! i'll eat your mother and your babies, and then I'll floss my teeth with your remaining babies!" screams spencer into the receiver. but the gaping crevice grows faster and faster. it is too late. gravity finally pulls on young spencer, and the earth (re)claims him into the deep, dark underworld. it is there, where spencer remains today. legend has it that if you press your ear to the earth, you can still hear him, pacing and pulsing, growling and groaning, cursing the day that all other people besides he, were born. as for hollie and heidi, they fell asleep on the beach, and then, they too, were eaten by sharks.