recently, i joined match.com. i thought it would be easy. all i had to do was (a)make a witty profile and (b) throw up a few photographs depicting myself climbing rocks or doing an open-mouth laugh; in short - try to appear well-adjusted. the goal? mask the real reason why i joined a dating site in the first place: i am a complete fucking retard when it comes to dating. (the last time someone asked me on a date i shook their hand.) however, after joining, i was unaware of the nightmare that would ensue. the awkward email conversations with guys about an aspect of my profile that had given them a loner (lonely + boner = loner), the incessant "winks" by divorcees who live in richmond, and profile after profile of cliches and trite self-analyses which are never (ever) even close to being true.
i have to say, though, that in the end, there are a few things i have learned via my match adventures. having read countless profiles and by mapping the similarities among them, there are a few basic conclusions i have been able to draw about (or which pertain to) all of humanity. enjoy.
1. everyone in the world is spontaneous.
2. people who say they have a sense of humor outright have no sense of humor.
3. anyone who says he or she has a dry wit neither has a dry wit nor knows what a dry wit is.
4. cafes are a favorite pasttime of every human that exists.
5. people who point at the camera when being photographed are sociopaths.
6. everyone has either been to india or is indian.
7. if you don't like to travel, you should just kill yourself.
8. if you say you're a social drinker it means you're: (a) social (b) a drinker, and (c) currently very, very drunk
9. those who describe themselves as "paradoxical"... sigh.
10. everyone just wants to be loved. (awww.) i feel like the tinman when he finally gets his joint oil.
i guess the lion getting his heart would be more apt. meh
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